Brummie Resistance Torches 5G Mast

Some utter loons fed on Facebook disinformation have torched a 5G mast in Birmingham, and we are once again simultaneously outraged yet also impressed they managed to get a metal object to catch on fire. Read More >>

Walkers Launches Crisps to Aid Reminiscing About When Restaurants Existed

Walkers is having a bit of a nightmare at the moment, as the maker of non-essential luxury snackstuff "crisps" has scheduled the launch of a whole new range of flavours based on the famed tastes of five key restaurant brands. And apparently you can't cancel the meticulously planned launch of new crisps because of a mere global pandemic. Read More >>

Charity Watchdog Investigates Church’s £91 Plague Protection Oil

The Charity Commission is sending a list of important and we might imagine impossible-to-answer questions to Bishop Climate Wiseman, who runs the Kingdom Church as a charity group in south London. Wiseman's been rumbled selling what he describes as "plague protection oil" for £91, which he says convinces God to get off his arse and protect the owner from coronavirus infection. Read More >>

National Express Furloughs into Central Reservation This Weekend

National Express is no longer able or willing to operate any coach services in the UK, as it's to stop even the small skeleton "essential" operation it's been running of late from this weekend. Read More >>

NHS Declines First Wave of Brewery Hand Sanitiser

Oh dear, the Look!-I'm-helping! efforts of the UK's brewers to convert their processes to manufacturing hand sanitiser have got off to a shaky start, as the initial batch produced by BrewDog has not been cleared for use by one NHS Trust. It didn't quite meet all the strict requirements, probably because it was made by bearded men in a malty factory. Read More >>

Morrisons Tops Today’s Coronavirus Goodies Chart With £1,000 Frontline Staff Bonus

It may be time to plan a change-up of your supermarket allegiances for 2021 and beyond, as The Other Green One known as Morrisons has revealed a huge boost to its staff bonus scheme that triples the payout for average frontline workers still manning the tills-of-potential-death to more than £1,000. Read More >>

Cop26 Climate Showdown Delayed to 2021

An international gathering of around 26,000 people is spectacularly off-message right now even if they all promise to foot-bump or arse-grind instead of handshake, so it is with an ironically cooling heart that the UN's environmental crisis meeting Cop26 has been axed. And it wasn't even happening until November. Read More >>

NHS Workers Further Stressed by Threat of Rick Astley Concert

Well we suppose this is going to get Astley on the good guys list, because he does at least mean well. The 80s pop singer who's survived remarkably well into the nowadays has given NHS workers something to perhaps look forwards to, as he's to perform a free concert for the modern masked heroes of the health service. Read More >>

100 Poundlands Enter Temporary Hibernation

Poundland has been doing a good job of protecting staff and serving customers amid the coronavirus crunch because it's OK to eat massive Toblerone clones for dinner in an emergency, but the strict rules on going out and the rise of home deliveries from rival chains is forcing it to temporarily shut around 100 lesser attended branches. Read More >>

Sainsbury’s Risks Backlash by Keeping Argos Open as a Seller of Essential Products

The scales of justice and honour were tipping in favour of Sainsbury's just yesterday when it did a good thing; but now it risks expulsion from the national coronavirus heroes list and having its name cut in stone on the Wetherspoons Memorial of Shame, over claims it's being sneaky in keeping its Argos concessions within larger Sainsbury's branches open for business. Read More >>

Ancient Midland Mainline Announcements on Spotify Give You That Lost Commuter Buzz

Bored people missing the work commute have found some calming audio on Spotify, as someone managed to bend the rules enough to get 29 minutes of Midland Mainline onboard announcements up on the streaming music service. Read More >>

Goats Retake Streets and Perform Vital Hedge Trimming While Humans Hide Indoors

The streets of the UK are beginning to look a bit like those of Pripyat right now, as people stay at home, the verges stay untrimmed, and wildlife is tentatively returning to areas it once roamed before we tarmacked the place over and put the natural springs down pipes in the 1950s. Read More >>

BBC Suggests Utility Bill Levy as Possible Licence Fee Replacement

The BBC is throwing ideas out there that address how it might survive should the licence fee get axed in the future, and one idea emerging as a front runner is the addition of a levy to an existing utility bill. Because some other countries fund their state broadcasters this way and it makes payment almost entirely inescapable. Read More >>

WHSmith Pivots to Essential Commodities Pasta and Toilet Roll

Around 80 WHSmith branches in hospital reception areas are to start stocking more in the way of essential groceries, with Sainsbury's helping the retailer to supply a wider range of take-home shopping for those stuck working at the coalfaces of our NHS sites. Read More >>

£2,500 Cruises to Lockdown Locations are Still for Sale

The hell of being trapped in a floating Travelodge with everyone's horny grandad until you die appears to still appeal to some people, as cruise operator Cunard is selling spaces on a month-long purgatory holiday to Australia. Which is currently closed for business to non-residents. Read More >>