Culture Secretary Thumbs-Ups Bans on Phones in Schools

Headteachers across the country have just been given the nod to introduce their own local bans on smartphone use in schools, with culture secretary Matt Hancock saying he admires heads who've already risked teenage riots and an elevation in door slamming by restricting the bringing of gadgets to school. Read More >>

UK Faces a Looming Fizzy Drinks Shortage

The good type of carbon dioxide is apparently in short supply at the moment, with one of the country's two (on-purpose!) producers of CO2 for the drinks industry offline for maintenance and EU sources struggling to meet demand. Hence manufacturers worrying that we may soon run out of pumped supplies of CO2 to carbonate our precious drinks with. We could be bombed back to the flat mead ages. Read More >>

Country People Can’t be Bothered With Your Urban Digital Banking Obsessions

People who live in the rural masses of the UK aren't so bothered about banking apps, according to the Financial Conduct Authority, which says that just 23 per cent of country folk bother to do their banking through a smartphone – whereas 45 per cent of their clean-shod urban counterparts do. Read More >>

Hope You Remembered to Stock up on Microbeads

If you have come to rely on the soothing, massaging sensation that is scrubbing yourself with microbead-containing beauty products, today is a sad day – products containing them are now banned from sale in the UK. Read More >>

Will Ferrell Thinks He Understands Eurovision Enough to Make a Film of it

Four words are striking equal amounts of horror into the hearts of film and music fans today, and they are: Will Ferrell Eurovision film. As in, Will Ferrell is going to be in a film all about the Eurovision Song Contest using low-bar Netflix money to pay for it. Let's hope he's going to play Terry Wogan and really piss that streaming money up the wall. Read More >>

40-Year-Old Diesel Engine Comes Out of Retirement for Mainline Rescue Mission

Heritage rail company West Coast Railways is chuffing to the rescue of abandoned commuters who live, work and travel along the Lake District line, with the mass cancellations of franchise holder Northern leading to an ancient old diesel coming online to save the day. Read More >>

Gang of Urban Mayors Says Ban New Petrol and Diesel Cars by 2030

A mayoral league of elected gentlemen has called for the government to bring forward the 2040 internal combustion engine ban, suggesting that the sooner and more foreseeable year of 2030 might be a better time to start restricting the sale of pure petrol and diesel vehicles. To benefit the health of everyone, particularly those living in grimy-aired cities. Read More >>

Card Paying Overtakes Cash for the First Time

The number of payments made via debit card have overtaken cash transactions in the UK at last, with the new wave of just-working contactless debit card systems helping to make paying for stuff without using money more commonplace than ever. Read More >>

Unilever Says it Will Stop Advertising With “Influencers” Who’ve Bought Followers

Brand-selling behemoth Unilever, which makes what you're eating and what you smell of, has had it with influencers and their fake followers. It has decided that pretend popular people who've acquired a few thousand friends overnight are not a good place for its advertising money to go. Read More >>

Stephen Hawking to Address Local Black Hole

Today's Westminster Abbey service for Stephen Hawking will see his ashes interred in the special brainiacs science wall next to Sir Isaac Newton and Charles Darwin, and he'll also be broadcasting a pre-recorded message to anyone happening to tune in to the ceremony from outer space. Read More >>

Tonnes of Our Carefully Collected Plastic Recycling is Burned or Buried in Vietnam

That yogurt pot you carefully scrutinised to see if it was recyclable or not? Could well be on fire in Vietnam right now, or being rolled into the ground in a landfill in Malaysia, because we don't have the capacity to recycle all of our plastic waste; so much of it is dumped overseas instead where... corners may be cut. Read More >>

Sega Returns to Weirdness With Only Fools and Horses Plushies

Sega's arcade division is still ludicrously mad after all these years, with 2018's insanity highlighted by a deal with BBC Studios to create a series of plush toys based on... Only Fools and Horses. Read More >>

Sainsbury’s Tests Slow Lane for a Less Stressed Checkout Experience

Sainsbury's is trialling a clever idea that might turn shopping into less of a nightmare for people who find the whole experience troubling, with what it calls a Relaxed Lane for slower shoppers currently being tested at the company's Prestwick branch. Read More >>

How to Fake a Conversation About Football

It's happening again, that time of every-fourth-year when even us people who have only ever kicked a ball in anger once -- and it hurt our toes through our trainers because we apparently did it wrong -- have to talk about football. Here's how you might be able to get away with it. Read More >>

Posties Banned From Sticking En-ger-land Flags on Their Vans

The Royal Mail has told its staff of van drivers, trolley pushers and even the village bike-riding delivery person that it's not OK to show support for the England football team during the imminent World Cup, as putting flags and stickers in vans and windows is potentially hazardous. Read More >>