Attenborough to Address the Nation on Climate Change Tonight

David Attenborough and a variety of scientists from around the world are to address the nation on the issue of climate change tonight, as the BBC prepares to take ownership of the debate around the menace formerly known as global warming and make everyone believe it's real via a programme it calls Climate Change – The Facts. Attenborough's doing it. It's serious. You'll want the Blu-ray of it. Read More >>

HS2’s Already Burned £600m on Buying Houses and Gardens to Flatten Out

The HS2 rail project has been busy handing out the money to smooth its passage through the country, with the first wave of land purchases along the proposed route costing the line, and therefore the nation, around £600m. Read More >>

Asda Confuses Welsh Shoppers With Free Alcohol Claim

A branch of Asda in Wales tried to do the right thing in putting up Welsh-language signs to point the way to stuff on the aisles, but whoever did it made a big old mess of things and accidentally promised shoppers free beer. Blame the manager and Google Translate. Read More >>

Helium Balloons are the New Rail Infrastructure Scapegoats

There's a new Bad Thing About Balloons in town, and this one's not wildlife related. Railway manager Network Rail says it's seeing increasing numbers of delays caused by bunches of balloons getting tangled in power lines, as our love of the floaty things shows no sign of dying, even though they're rapidly becoming an environmental no-no too. Read More >>

DIY Garden Spitfire Refurb Wins Museum Place

A man's self-build Spitfire, based on a storm-damaged replica chassis bought from a museum years ago, is about to make the leap from weird local attraction to full museum exhibit. Read More >>

Spotify Opens London R&D Site and Needs 300 New Staff

All those £9.99s a month we pay to stream the same seven songs we used to like in the 1990s are being reinvested in the London job scene, with streaming kingpin Spotify opening its expanded London R&D site this week -- and it needs masses of fresh, intelligent, management-grade meat to sit at all the lovely new desks. Read More >>

Clarkson Wishes the BBC Top Gear Team Every Massive Failure

Jeremy Clarkson has not been watching the BBC's refreshed version of Top Gear, and does not wish the presenters every success in their difficult roles. Read More >>

Adjust Your Aston Martin Fantasies to Involve Coiling Charging Cables and Range Anxiety

Aston Martin is launching a full electric car, in the same vague sort of way that Aston makes any cars at all. It's only making 155 of the all-electric version of the Rapide E, and they've probably all been bagsied already by popstars and digital entrepreneurs. And even then it's some old body shape with new electric parts stuffed in and a 10-inch screen for a dash. Read More >>

350kW-Ready EV Charge Point Opens Today for the Zero Compatible Cars

People who own electric cars in the future – and have come back in time for a holiday to see if the year 2019 was as shit as the textbooks say – have somewhere new to charge up today, with the first of the next-generation of 350kW really-quite-very-ultra-super-fast chargers now online for use in the UK. Read More >>

Ocado Boss Warns Mike Ashley Off Buying High Street Remnants

Lord Stuart Rose, who's currently the chairman of in-demand online retailer Ocado and was once the big boss of behemoth M&S, has staged a mini intervention in the case of Mike Ashley. Rose has given the big "calm down" speech and told the Sports Direct entrepreneur to cool it a bit with his buying-up of faltering high street brands. Read More >>

Tesco Readies Own-Brand Vegan Sausage Roll

All traces of sausage are to be removed from a new sausage roll option in Tesco bakeries next week, if a report from the underground investigative vegan newswires are to be believed. Read More >>

GCHQ Crackers Decode Frank Sidebottom’s Mysterious Glyphs

The deskbound security police at GCHQ have solved one of the comedy world's smallest and strangest mysteries, after a clue gave them a leg up in decoding messages drawn on the merchandise of big head mode comedian Chris Sievey. Read More >>

Guinness Magically Holds Fours Beers Together Without Plastic

Guinness brand owner Diageo no longer wants its products to be associated with garroting exotic wildlife on deserted overseas beaches, and is about to usher in a new, entirely cardboard era of holding together four cans of the famous Irish export. Read More >>

Gatwick Boss Expands on Drone Attack “Insider” Theory

Gatwick's chief operating officer Chris Woodroofe is about to star on BBC's Panorama, where he'll make the claim that the drone chaos that struck the airport late last year was almost certainly an inside job. Read More >>

Man Sues Parents for Binning Huge Porn Collection

A 40-year-old US man is taking his parents to court, after discovering that they threw away his treasured pornography collection during a house move. Read More >>