Apple Unveils World’s Least Portable Laptop

You can say a lot about Apple—it brought smartphones and personal computers to the mass market, it changed the technology industry forever, it was controlled by a megalomaniacal asshole for much of its existence—but you’d have a hard time getting even the staunchest critic of the company to argue its products weren’t groundbreakingly pretty. Read More >>

Amazon Erects 79-Foot Cylindrical Shaft in Times Square

Look, I’m a straight woman with the maturity level of a 13-year-old boy. I am willing to admit that maybe—maybe—I sometimes see phalluses where they don’t exist. But this thing totally looks like a dick, right? Read More >>

Russian University Lovingly Erects Giant Concrete Monument to Peer Review

Life as an academic is hard, if you discount the summers off. Assuming you’ve ever submitted a piece of research for publication, chances are you’ve had to go through the process of peer review — an often soul-crushing ordeal during which you and your ideas are metaphorically flayed by a jury of your peers. Read More >>

Rich Person Marissa Mayer Bravely Forgoes Her Bonus Over Yahoo Security Clusterfuck

Yahoo had a bad time in 2016. It took its last symbolic breaths as a crusty, once-powerful internet company, it had its email service banned on Capitol Hill, and—oh yeah!—it disclosed it suffered not one but two massive hacks of user data. Read More >>

This Piano-Playing Computer Makes Me Feel Less Lonely But Also Really Weird Inside

Most people, with the exception of those who live beneath the subway grates and Ted Cruz, don’t like to be alone for too long. We need — nay, crave — the attention of others. When that attention comes from an intelligent piano-playing machine, however, shit gets weird. Read More >>

Marissa Mayer Will Resign From Yahoo’s Board, Yahoo to Get a New Dumb Name

Marissa Mayer will resign from Yahoo’s board of directors and the company itself will be renamed Altaba Inc., according to documents filed with the SEC today. Read More >>

Cadillac Has a Very Fancy Car Subscription Plan For Very Wealthy People

At some point, somebody at Cadillac asked themselves what they could do to make the lives of the wealthy even easier. The answer they came up with, it seems, is BOOK by Cadillac. Read More >>

ces 2017
Glide Across the Water Like a Douchebag Swan the New ‘SwagSurf’

Swagtron, the ludicrously named company that previously went by the equally ludicrous name Swagway, has some new gear for 2017. One of the gadgets is called “SwagSurf,” and it’s exactly what it sounds like: a chariot that will (supposedly) carry you across bodies of water like a shitty millennial Jesus. Read More >>

Oh Jesus, Look at This Snake Eating a Wallaby

In many ways, Australia is great: Twisties, beautiful beaches, hot sports men. In other ways, however, it’s a nightmare hellscape dreamt up by a drunk Salvador Dali after a visit to Jurassic Park. Read More >>

The Year in Encouraging News

This year sucked, didn’t it?

Good Wood Makes a Stradivarius Sing

Stradivarius stringed instruments — the finely constructed, highly sought after multi-million dollar wood boxes* crafted in the 17th and 18th century by Italian luthier Antoni Stradivari — are a bit of a mystery to modern day observers. Despite their quality, nobody quite knows what makes them so superior. Read More >>

Uber’s Latest Update Is Even Creepier Than Its Last One

Yesterday, Uber finally rolled out several features it announced back in November. Instead of helping the app’s reputation for creepery, however, Uber somehow managed to make it worse. Travis, you jokester! Read More >>

year in review
Mark Zuckerberg: A Year in Review

By some metrics, Mark Zuckerberg had an excellent year. Facebook, his supreme breadwinner, made enough money to keep a small country afloat. The platform’s user base kept growing. It became a top destination for news, and its influence over every aspect of our lives further metastasised. He even gave the Pope a model drone! Read More >>

At Least 48 Dead in Russia After Drinking Bath Lotion Laced With Methanol 

At least 48 people have died in Russia after drinking bath lotion containing methanol, officials said on Monday. Read More >>