Forget Your Dreams: This Data Proves You’re Too Old To Play In A World Cup Team

When you were young, did you ever dream of one day being on the England football team, walking out into a packed World Cup stadium and representing your country on the pitch? I sure didn’t, but I was definitely bullied by people who did. Read More >>

We’re All Going to Live Longer! (But as Disease-Ridden Depressives)

There is some good news and some bad news coming in from the science world today, which confirms that the trend towards longer life is set to continue. Hooray. More time at the end of it all for watching TV on a pension. But although we might live longer, more of us are going to be doing so while beset and broken by the many plagues brought onto our own heads by modern lifestyles. Read More >>

It’s OK: You Peak At Things Way Later Than You Think

A general sense of calm and wellbeing has descended at Giz Towers this morning as a result of the news that we peak at various life skills far, far later than we all imagined. Read More >>

UK’s Rich/Poor Lifespan Gap Grows for First Time in 150 Years

The gap in life expectancy between the richest and the poorest members of society appears to be widening, with an analysis of mortality stats showing that being rich is quite a help when it comes to living for a long time. As the recent 90th birthday of a well-known rich old lady ought to have already signalled. Read More >>

All UK Music Videos to Show BBFC Ratings Online — But Rihanna’s Pubic Mound is Safe

UK authorities have decided that a trial run of BBFC ratings for pop videos was a good thing that saved some young minds from being warped -- or at least pushed back the process by several months -- and are rolling out the requirement to display an age rating alongside all online music promo videos across the UK. Read More >>

Watch a 95-Year-Old Man Break a 200m Sprint Record

Dr Charles Eugster set a new world record for the 200m recently, clocking an indoor time of 55.48" to take over two seconds off the previous over-95s best time. Read More >>

Queen Needs People to Help Congratulate the Elderly

The ageing population means the Queen's finding it a bit hard to keep on top of all the 100th birthday telegrams, so the department that congratulates old folk is hiring assistants to send well done cards to new centenarians. Read More >>

Google’s Health Partner Invests $1.5bn to Cure Getting Old

Calico, the biotech specialist backed by Google, has announced a plan to stick around $1.5bn (£900m) into creating new therapies to beat the curse of today's world -- the embarrassment of getting old. Read More >>

PM’s Anti-Porn Crusade to Introduce Age Ratings for Music Videos

David Cameron wants to add age ratings to music videos, and will be asking the BBFC to give film-style certificates to promos in an attempt to stop constant access to 1080p footage of popstar bottoms warping the minds of the youth. Read More >>

What the Human Body Looks Like at 100 Years Old

Photographer Anastasia Pottinger has a powerful photo series called Centenarians that reveals what the human body looks like at 100 years old. It's a remarkable achievement to live so long and the marks of age are well worn on the oldest people on the planet. Read More >>

Would You Want to Know Your Death Date?

The government's considering a seemingly quite morbid plan to issue pensioners with an estimated date of death, as part of a shake-up of the pension scheme designed to encourage people to take better care of their finances in old age. Is that horrifying, or would you actually like to know when you're likely to die? Read More >>

Perfectly Age Your Face Through 80 Years Based on a Single Photograph

Researchers at the University of Washington have developed a new technique for simulating the ageing of faces over nearly eight decades—and it's incredible. Read More >>

Poor Fatties are Dying Young Thanks to Laziness

The poorest members of society are risking early death thanks to their inactivity, with researchers finding that people in some of the UK's most deprived spots are failing to raise their heart rates above rest-level idling for most of their sedentary lives. Read More >>

Science Confirms That Old People Really Do Have a Smell

Think back to when you were a child visiting your grandparent's home. Do you recall a distinct scent when you walked through the door? Many people do and as it turns out, it's not just in your head. Read More >>

107-Year-Old Man Dies… in Police Shootout

Monroe Isadore, from Arkansas in the US, managed to live to the impressive old age of 107, only to end it all after going berserk at police and getting himself shot. Read More >>