sport
Premier League Agrees Restart and Shock Deal to Show Live Games on the BBC

The Premier League has finally agreed to get the 19/20 season underway again and gently massaged to a climax, as top-tier football is set to return on June 17. If you count Aston Villa and Sheffield United as top-tier. A-ha. A little football joke for you there. Please don't knife me. Read More >>

sport
Premier League Humbled into Bargaining Away TV Rights for Return to Business

The Premier League may soon get its wish and be allowed to restart the 2019/20 football season, but only if it agrees to a government request to open some matches to free-to-air TV channels and make larger down-trickle payments to the lower divisions. Read More >>

sport
Sky Sports Plans CG Fans Should Football Return Behind Closed-Doors

Should the bizarre happen and the 2019-20 football season restart without fans in the stands, Sky Sports has a technical solution to that looking all a bit shit on telly; CG fans filling the empty seats. And therefore some sort of adaptive crowd noise too. Read More >>

football
Premier League Could Kick off the Remainder of the Season as Soon as June

Football fans across the world have had to live in a reality where the only balls they're seeing on a daily basis aren't as pert or perfectly round as they'd like, but that could all change with the possible return of the sport in the first week of June. Read More >>

sports
ePremier League Kicks off Today so Football Fans Can Stop Moping About for Five Minutes

What is life without football? As an expert on all things ball-related, not being able to watch millionaires play a spot of footie in matching outfits has been a burden we've all had to shoulder while the season has been inexplicably put on hold. But thank Christ for video games, where we can finally focus on the important things in life again thanks to the ePremier League Invitational tournament. Read More >>

sports
The English Can’t Go Without Football So Plans for Finishing Out the Season Are Being Made

The world at large has ground to a halt with the outbreak of coronavirus, and we've just had confirmation that the lockdown here in the UK will be extended for another three weeks. 'But what about the football?' I hear you cry. I don't care. But various football people do care, and they have a plan. Read More >>

sport
Premier League Considers Desperate Isolation Camp Plan to Complete Season

The lack of anything sports-related to do has driven the organisers of the Premier League completely mad, as bosses are said to be planning to assemble World Cup group stage style isolation camps for the top tier teams, so they'll be able to play out the remainder of the current season over the summer. Should the players not come down with the virus and die. Read More >>

sport
Premier League Considers Restrictions on Elderly Fans as Coronavirus Control

Meetings in which attendees will not be shaking hands are being had to address the spread of coronavirus in the UK, with one suggestion from football's Premier League being the banning of over-70-year-olds from football grounds. Not because they're the most racist and most likely to be caught spitting at people with hard surnames by TV cameras, but because they're the most likely to die should a rogue sneeze or attempt at gobbing on an enemy player spread the coronavirus infection Mexican Wave-style around the stadium. Read More >>

sport
Most Football Associations Ban Ball-Heading for Primary School Kids

The English, Scottish and Northern Irish football associations have all come together to introduce a ban on children heading footballs in training, with a sliding scale covering the various ball-to-head situations of all school age children from from six to 17. Read More >>

sport
FA to Limit Ball-Heading for Footballers Under 18

The English FA is about to introduce separate rules regarding the heading of footballs to the ones that will appear soon in Scotland, with FA chiefs expected to limit the number of times under-18s head the ball while in training. Read More >>

food
Chelsea F.C. Opens a Vegan-Only Kiosk That Will Inevitably Piss Off Meat-Eaters Somehow

In a move that is sure to be just as divisive as other inane things people argue about that have no real bearing on anything - like football - a vegan-only kiosk has appeared at Stamford Bridge. Read More >>

health
Scotland Prepares Ban on Children Heading Footballs

Scotland may be about to get incrementally worse at football as a nation, but it's for a good cause. The bosses of the Scottish Football Association are in the final stages of preparing an all-out ban on children under the age of 12 heading footballs, as ever-firmer links are made between accrued sporting damage and later-life dementia. Read More >>

lego
Buy Lego’s Old Trafford Set and You Can Get the ‘United Trinity’ Gift Too

Earlier this week Lego announced that it was bringing a brickified version of Old Trafford football stadium, and VIPs can buy it from tomorrow. Plus, if you are a VIP that gets hold of one before the end of the month, you can get a free 'United Trinity' gift along with it. Read More >>

lego
Manchester United Teases Licensing Deal With Lego

I might try to do that most ambitious crossover of all time meme here, but I'd probably get it wrong somehow. The news is genuinely astonishing, though, as teetering football titans Manchester United have revealed a deal to license their stuff out to enable Lego to create official Man U merchandise of some sort. Read More >>

football
Posh EU Football Will Continue to be Hidden Away on BT Sport

BT Sport will continue to be a vast cash drain on the finances of our largest telecoms company for the next few years at least, as the national phone network-slash-ISP has sent a fresh billion-plus cheque to Uefa in order to maintain exclusive UK rights to show live Champions League matches. Read More >>