American Christians’ Vision of God Looks Suspiciously Like Elon Musk

If you asked 100 random strangers what God looks like, you’d probably get around 100 different responses. But if you specifically asked American Christians, and then aggregated their answers, you’d apparently end up with a face that’s so close to Tesla founder and aspiring mole man Elon Musk it’s frankly bizarre. Read More >>

Newts Delay Construction of Church of Sheeran

Musical magnolia man Ed Sheeran has been forced to pause development of a little chapel he was planning to build on his estate in Suffolk, thanks to concerns that his expansive ill-gotten grounds may contain colonies of great crested newts. Read More >>

Close the Internet for Christmas, Says God Spokesperson

A man on earth who's taken on the task of relaying messages from God has spoken out about the rush to launch online sales on Christmas Eve, saying he'd back any law change that would outlaw the using of the internet to purchase items on Christmas Day -- and would even like to have the ISPs disconnect us all so we can think about Jesus, even if most of us think he was just pretend or a metaphor. Read More >>

Drugs and Porn Lead to Huge Rise in US Exorcisms

Modern troubles like porn addiction and drug use are triggering a rise in the number of traditional remedies in the US, where skyrocketing demand for exorcisms to treat dad's non-stop MILF cravings are seeing record numbers of priests trained in the ancient bad-begone ritual. Read More >>

Facebook Royalty Reveal Master Plan to ‘Cure All Diseases’

Back in April, Mark Zuckerberg announced to the world that he is, in fact, God, and said he wanted to “[help] to cure all diseases by the end of this century.” Today, accompanied by Priscilla Chan, his wife and co-pilot on the God plane, Mark announced a $3 billion plan to cure disease. Read More >>

Mark Zuckerberg Declares He is God During Facebook Earnings Call

Facebook laid out its earnings report yesterday. Mark Zuckerberg also announced that he is God. Well, not really, but he might as well have. Read More >>

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Church Holds Star Wars-Themed Service to Get Young People Into God

A church in Berlin has jumped on the being about Star Wars bandwagon, asking fans to come dressed in their most daring Slave Leia costumes to celebrate Jesus and all that in a special themed service for people who can't think of anything else but the sci-fi franchise at the moment. Read More >>

Currys Refused to Repair TV Due to Fly Attack “Act of God”

A man was left with no choice but to do a sad face for the world's media after electrical chain Currys said his TV was broken by an act of god -- an attack on its pixels by a trapped fly. Read More >>

Priest Performs Emergency Aerial Exorcism of Unclean Town

A priest was taken by helicopter to the skies about the Italian resort town of Castellammare di Stabia last month, after a seemingly unstoppable crime wave among locals left local religious bosses with no alternative but to perform a remote exorcism from above. Read More >>

More of us Believe in Ghosts than God

A survey of 2,000 Brits makes for sad reading on the omnipotent Kindle of God, revealing that just over half of us believe in aliens -- but only a quarter believe there's a bearded invisible man living in the sky. Read More >>

Cool Texas Megachurch Explains How Predator Drones are Just Like God

It sees your every move. It can stamp out your life in a millisecond. You can neither see nor hear it, but it's always above you. Watching. If you're struggling to understand God, allow a Dallas pastor to offer a more relatable metaphor: Drones. Read More >>

Nun Goes Nuclear in Bizarre Weapons Facility Blood & God Protest

84-year-old nun Sister Megan Rice got herself a 35-month jail sentence in the US, after she was found guilty of breaking into a nuclear weapons storage plant and daubing it with religious messages. And, belying the traditional image of the polite nun, she spread human blood around the place too. Read More >>

Ukip Councillor Suspended After Suggesting Gay Marriage Caused the UK’s Floods

The latest bizarre rant by a Ukip councillor has earned him a suspension, after David Silvester wrote an incredibly weird letter to a local newspaper in which he blamed the UK's recent spate of floods on the government's decision to allow same-sex marriages. Read More >>

The Pope Has Chosen Android

This, my friends, may be the end of the smartphone fanboy wars. I can give my two pence. The rest of the tech community can give theirs. But God Almighty himself, through his appointed papal mouthpiece, has picked a winner. Read More >>