Small Part of High Street Refuses the Mike Ashley Handshake

Sports Direct and almost everything else owner Mike Ashley has been told he can't have Patisserie Valerie to add to his collection of failing UK businesses, as his cheeky offer wasn't considered high enough -- so he's OUT, like the unpopular, untelevised dragon he is. Read More >>

Dad Never Getting the Wi-Fi to Himself as Children Live With Parents for Longer

Old people aren't getting everything entirely their way these days, as they're suffering the pain of having adult children who won't move out and give them a peaceful life and full control of the TV. Serves them right for buying all the nice houses in the 1980s. Read More >>

HMV Phoenix to Rise From Flames of Previous Phoenix

HMV is being saved from administration, again, with the new buyer of the chain promising to keep as many as 100 of the branches open for the business of selling physical music and discs to the elderly. Read More >>

Programmer at Chinese Bank Jailed After Reportedly Finding a Secret Way to Withdraw £796,000

A software chief of a Chinese bank reportedly found a loophole in his company’s system and managed to stealthily withdraw seven million yuan (£795,665) over the course of 14 months. When he was caught, he explained he was testing the system. Huaxia Bank bought it, but the authorities didn’t. Read More >>

Aldi’s Launching Romantic Meals for Two Ready for Valentine’s Day

Christmas has been and gone, Blue Monday isn't real, so that means there's only one holiday for all the marketing firms to start salivating over: Valentine's Day. It's less than a month away now, so the first stories of headline-grabbing deals and offers have already started hitting the net. Case in point: Aldi's new 'romantic' meal deals for two. Read More >>

Black Friday Blamed for Ruining Christmas on the High Street

There's some good news and some bad news here from the Office for National Statistics. The good news is that we, as a nation, are really getting it together when it comes to doing our Christmas shopping in advance. The bad news is we're doing it really far in advance in November, on Black Friday, and are therefore contributing to the dramatic erosion of the high street retailers. Read More >>

The Ban on Tenant Fees Will Come Into Effect on 1st June

It feels like it's been forever since the government announced that it was going to put an end to all the extra fees being charged by landlords and letting agents that somehow, miraculously, make the prospect of renting even more depressing. The wheels of government turn about as slowly as a snail in a hamster wheel, but at long last we have a date. Say goodbye to those fees from 1st June. Read More >>

Say “I Suppose You’ll Do” With a Poundland Engagement Ring

Are you a man? Have you been badgered into proposing even though there are few taxable benefits to the union nowadays? Then why not show your disillusionment with the institution of marriage by proposing with a Poundland engagement ring. Read More >>

Greggs is Where We Get Breakfast From Now Too

Greggs has stuck two crimped pastry fingers up at the high street doom mongers, recording a staggering 7.2 per cent year-on-year sales growth in its latest financial figures, thanks, in part, to it now being a cool place to pick up a cheap, non-pretentious breakfast. Read More >>

Councils Spend £5.4m on “Pauper’s Graves”

All the little councils of the UK are quietly racking up huge bills for burying people who made it to death with no friends or surviving relatives, with a total bill of £5.4m for taking caring of solitary deceased people landing on the 1970s desks of councillors last year. Read More >>

Treasury Licenses Out New £1 Coin Design

The little bits of island around the world that are still technically part of the UK empire may soon be using the new £1 coin, thanks to the Treasury giving approval for dependencies and territories to mint their own £1 clones. Read More >>

Uber Refunds £25 Cleaning Fee for Picking up Dropped Chip

That picture there shows an incredibly valuable chip, a chip that cost its owner £25 because she dropped it in the back of an Uber vehicle when returning from a night out. Read More >>

What Happened the Last Time Apple Had a Panic This Bad

On Wednesday, Tim Cook issued a dire, surprising, and historic warning to his company’s investors. Apple, the world’s first trillion dollar company, would be lowering its revenue forecast for the first time since 2002, thanks in part to bad iPhone sales and China (basically). But wait, you’re thinking, what the hell happened in 2002? Read More >>

Government Imagines Shoving Micro-Robots Down Pipes to Fix Leaks

Someone within government has fallen for the hype about robots being able to do anything more than shit themselves when confronted by some stairs, and genuinely believes that they may be able to do the tasks currently undertaken by our brave all-weather armies of men in fluorescent jackets. So much so that millions of pounds have been set aside to look at the potential to roboticise the underground maintenance works of the distant future. Read More >>

HMV Parties Like it’s 2013 With Second Administration on the Way

HMV is once again calling in the bankers and accountants to sort out the mess it has made out there on the high street, with the administration process putting the jobs of the chain's 2,200 workers at risk and the entire business under threat of closure or, perhaps worse, purchase by Sports Direct. Read More >>